For the past three days, I had a constant headache, a loss of energy, poor motor functions, gastro-intestinal difficulties, and a general feeling of unease. It was so dreadful that I assumed I had a brain tumor and only had a few months to live. But this morning I found the real cause: decaffeinated coffee.
A few days ago I was required to buy a different brand of coffee because the store I was in didn't have my usual. I checked the can carefully before I bought it, noted the grind, the roast, and the type of bean; but somehow I missed the extremely small lettering at the bottom that held that dreaded word: decaffeinated. It was only by chance that I noticed it this morning.
I accept that in a free society we must be tolerant towards all tastes and allow vile muck like decaffeinated coffee to be on store shelves -- even though (in my opinion) people whose tastes run that way should be confined to state institutions, never to mix with good, decent people. But there's no way the product should be so poorly labeled. I was operating a motorized vehicle under its influence. I was taking care of children under its influence. I was operating a motorized vehicle full of children under its influence! It's a wonder that no one was killed. Sadly however, there is no doubt others have not been as lucky.
I call on the new Conservative government to impose mandatory labelling guidelines for decaffeinated coffee and strict controls on its distribution. The labels should be large, covering half the packaging's area, and unambiguous as to the nature of the horrible product. As well, I suggest decaffeinated coffee be subjected to a special tax, the proceeds of which will be used for a government educational initiative to warn the young of its dangers.
Some will think this rather severe, but if it can save just one person from the suffering and danger I experienced in the past few days, it will be worth it.