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Massive carbon sequestering programs underway

It's no secret that our educational institutions are true believers in the theory of anthropogenic global warming. Starting in the first grade, students in much of the western world spend roughly equal amounts of time learning reading and writing, art, math, and watching An Inconvenient Truth. But apparently indoctrination of our youth isn't enough. The teachers are actually acting on their beliefs, and think they have a plan to save the world.

I have uncovered their plot, and must get the message out before they find out that I know. And here it is: by tirelessly keeping their students busy covering pieces of paper with paint, markers, crayons, and sparkle glue, they are using up massive amounts of carbon-based art materials. Since parents will never destroy the beautiful creations of their lovely, talented children, the carbon contained in those works -- which initially was pulled from the atmosphere by trees -- will be stored indefinitely and will never again reach the atmosphere. My evidence? I think this picture should put any doubts to rest:

This is the combined output of my two children after just one week of school!

The problem is that the teacher's plot is just one of many that are working towards the same goal. Governments around the world have implemented a similar sequestering program involving millions and millions of unread, handsomely bound reports from various commissions and committees. These store truly massive amounts of carbon on the bookshelves of government workers, university professors, and journalists. And National Geographic has had a long-running program that has tricked millions of people into storing great stacks of the magazine in their basements. That carbon alone has reduced the global temperature by 2.3 degrees C since the sixties. But there is no co-ordination between these schemes, and there is a good chance that they will go too far. These carbon sinks are growing geometrically and show no signs of slowing down. By the end of this century this world could be in an ice age. But it's no use trying to warn these groups. They just will not listen to reason.

You can do your part to save the world by burning your children's take-home artwork and any magazines that have been sitting around your house too long. That will liberate the trapped carbon dioxide and allow it to do it's job of keeping us warm. If you are a government worker, try to keep your unreadable government documents as PDF files on your hard drive. If you need to save some samples of your children's scribblings to remember their innocent days, technology is the answer. Our nifty new tablet computer, combined with the excellent free program Art Rage, allow Max and Talia to doodle to their heart's content, while being kind to our planet.

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