Van Helsing is here!

Well I said I'd be there when Van Helsing opened, and so I was. At the first show on the first day, my movie fanatic buddy and I were front and center ready to suck up $160 million dollars worth of Hollywood nonsense. So? Any good?

It's not that bad. But it's not very good either. It's a silly movie that's at least partially aware that it's silly. But sometimes it tries to reach for that dark, gothic, serious, thing and is completely incapable of making the jump. All the characters are capable of very impressive jumps however, leaping across chasms, swinging on ropes and climbing walls.

Van Helsing is some kind of supernatural James Bond, working for a mysterious intelligence agency working in the basement of the Vatican. He gets briefed by 'M' on his next job, then gets nifty retro gadgets for his mission from 'Q', who is conscripted to come along to play the important role of comic relief. Another important role is 'the babe', played by some starlet with a nice rack. She also gets to wear tight pants and high-heeled boots which demonstrate that she's an actress with range. Completing the action movie standard quartet is the villain, Dracula, who looks identical to Gary Oldman -- though curiously, not to Gary Oldman's Dracula.

The plot is indecipherable. You've probably seen it before. They must get the sacred staff from the keeper of the temple before the second full moon, while preventing the villain from connecting the force matrix to the keymaster's only child who carries the magic ring who has vanished leaving only a clue tattooed on the underside of the hero's foot. Or something. I can't remember. But there's plenty of swooping shots over expensive sets, and people in elaborate costumes jumping and swinging. (Lots and lots of swinging! If you like swinging, this is the movie you've been waiting for.) It's not at all scary, not at all suspenseful, and didn't have any action sequences that were at all memorable. But still I sort of enjoyed it. But I'd never want to watch it again. Never.